Gathering the Tribe

So, as I mentioned before, knowing that I had a great support system was what allowed me to move towards this adventure with confidence. But even after I had essentially made the decision, I still had to let my tribe know about it.

The first person to know was a dear friend who has always let me be another parent to her kiddos. When I mentioned it to her, she was completely on board from the first moment. No holding back. No question that she thought I could do it.

The next two to learn were actually somewhat by accident, although they would have been next on my list anyway. But they brought it up before I had even made my final decision. It was shortly after a week where I'd cared for a two month old and they could tell how much I was relishing my time as psuedo parent. They were down right giddy about my decision, which only bolstered my confience.

Once it was out there, I needed to make sure the rest of my closest friends heard it from me first. So, I made a few more phone calls - all which were met with equal parts excitement, expectation and at least a few questions.

It was those questions that got me thinking about all the other people who I wanted to let know, but didn't warrant a formal phone call. So, I decided to write a mass email - an FAQ of sorts. I was nervous as heck to send it out. I wanted to let everyone know all my plans, how excited I was, and also set up some expectations/boundaries about any children I would have in my care. So, after running it by some trusted foster care/adoption tweeps, this is what was sent out to everyone not in my best friend tier.

Dear family and friends,

I want to start with saying that I wish I could see you all in person, or at the very least call you all individually, and tell you this exciting news. But I know that it is just not possible between all of our busy lives! But you are all so dear to me and I want you all to hear it directly from me – before it becomes “facebook official” or you hear it in some other way! You have all supported me so much during this past year, through what has certainly be the most scary and uncertain time in my life – it’s only fair that you get to be part of the exciting next steps I’m taking for the future! And now that I’ve finally gotten the “all clear” from my doctors, I fell reassured enough to move forward with plans that have been in motion for a little while now.

I’m in the process of becoming licensed as a foster parent. I hope to eventually be able to adopt a child that is not able to return home to their biological family. For many of you, this will come as no surprise. Given that I’ve worked in child welfare and always been passionate about foster care, it only seems a natural progression. And although this isn’t exactly the way I saw it playing out when I first began considering the possibility years ago, if this past year has taught me anything it’s that I really want to be a parent. I considered a number of ways to go about fulfilling that desire, but ultimately becoming a foster parent just seemed “right” for now.

So, I’m sure you have a lot of questions – I’m going to try to answer a few of the most common ones I’ve already gotten! My own little FAQ if you will. J

1.       I should be licensed sometime between now and New Years – depending on the State. No, I don’t get any special privilege from having worked in the field for 10 years! If anything, there are more rules to make sure my personal and professional lives don’t cross and become a conflict of interest!

2.     I’m being licensed for one or two children – though I have a preference for one at a time. The exception would be siblings – or if a sibling of a child already placed with me needs a new placement. I feel confident that I could handle two kids on my own – but would prefer they be placed one at a time to allow me some adjustment to parenthood!

3.     I’m being licensed with a preference for children under 6 years old – boys or girls.

4.     It will probably be a long time between a child being placed in my home and when I know if they will be reunited with their family or need an adoption plan. In my area, the court system moves slowly and most families are given approximately 18-24 months to correct the reasons that necessitated the children being removed.

5.     I firmly believe that children should be with their biological families if at all possible and will be advocating for any child in my home to be with their family, despite my desire to eventually adopt. It is my hope that I can develop a relationship my foster child’s biological family, so that contact can continue even if I eventually adopt that child. I know this is sometimes hard to understand, and you may have your own feelings about this. But I ask that you respect my beliefs and be mindful of how you talk about the families of any child in my care.

6.     Because of confidentiality, and out of respect for my foster child and their family, I probably won’t be able to tell you much about the reasons they can’t be with their parents. Please don’t hesitate to ask genuine questions, just be understanding if I say that I can’t answer!

7.     I hope, despite the uncertainty, that you all will embrace any child in my home the way I plan to! You are all part of my “family” and thus it’s very important to me that you all get to know and love my future foster kiddo(s)! Some of you will get to be very involved – since you live close and are part of my daily life. Some of you might not get to spend a lot of time with us – but you will no doubt have a place in their lives anyways! 

8.     The most important thing you can do for me and for any child in my home is to pray for everyone involved. That’s what we will all need the most – and your prayers have gotten me through so much already!

So, there is my big announcement! I hope that you are all as excited as I am! Please feel free to email or call or whatever if you want to know more. Or just keep a look out for the announcement that I have a new little person in my life! And once again – have I told you all recently that I love you and can’t imagine my life without each and every one of you? No? Well, it’s absolutely true. I thank God for you all daily!

XOXO

That message was sent via email to about 30 people - and then I held my breath until the replies started popping up. And once again I was reassured by the amount of positive feedback and excited wishes from all of my loved ones. This is not to say that there haven't been some tough questions and even a few people who just "don't get it". But of all my closest family and friends - they have been nothing but supportive. I'm blessed in so many ways - I can't wait to pass along all this support to a kiddo or two someday!

Training Thoughts

My foster care training classes were three hours long, twice a week, and lasted nine sessions. I was part of a pretty small group - just nine of us which dwindled to seven by the end.

Four participants were two married couples. The other five of us were single women. I was the second youngest, and the only Caucasian in the group. Only two of us (me and one of the married couples) wanted to foster younger children. One wanted teenagers, the rest wanted grade school through middle school aged kids. Most were not looking to adopt, but few understood the dynamics of reunification. I found this puzzling until a few sessions in when it became clear just how little the general public knows about foster care!

So, I'll start with some of my criticisms. First, could those videos be any more outdated?? They were no more recent than the eighties from the haircuts and clothes. The early eighties.

It's not just I think people don't take things seriously if they can't relate to them. It's also that child welfare has changed a lot in the last thirty years! The curriculum reflected those changes, but the use of outdated videos undermine the message.

For example, to their credit they did show what it looks like for foster and biological families to work together. But they undermined that by showing a meeting between a parent and child where the parent explains that their rights are going to be terminated, so they won't see them ever again.

Um, no thanks?

Then they showed another clip of the child being told that, since they weren't returning home, they would be meeting a new pre-adoptive family.

No again.

I've rarely see the first scenario play out. I mean, if a parent is appropriate enough to have that rational of a conversation about their rights being terminated, why can't hey have continued contact?? And in my state, the judge won't even change the goal away from reunification unless the child is already in a pre-adoptive home.

But at least I better understand why most of my classmates thought kids just stayed in the system forever without reunification or permanency.

Other falsehoods that had to be addressed:

* Children are not grateful to be away from their biological families.
* Children aren't just one day removed and sent back home without notice.
* Biological parents will not try to hunt you down and steal their children back.
* Foster parents are not allowed to keep a child in their home without committing to permanency after reunification is rule out.
* Social workers aren't all homely and have bad haircuts.

(Ok, that last one was just for my benefit.)

Overall, I found training to be pretty eye opening. Not because any of the information was new to me per se, but because I really never knew what foster parents were being told/taught in my state! So, it was really interesting to see that reunification is being discussed, at length, in training. Collaboration between foster parents and biological families is being encouraged. And the idea that reunification is the number one priority of foster care is being emphasized.

This knowledge is something that I have used quite a bit in my job as a social worker. No more pretending that you didn't know you'd have to at least meet the bio parents! No more acting like you can't believe we'd consider sending this child back home! Nope, I know what you were told in the beginning, even if you want to forget it.

But back to training:

I did my fair share of interjecting with tidbits of information, personal stories, and some real honesty on the occasion where I felt our trainer was beating around the bush. (Don't worry, I told him after my second class that he could just tell me to shut up at any time.) And I actually got some good stuff out of training too.

We did a very eye opening excersize about our childhoods and what we had internalized about things such as support, discipline, education, and emotions. It was eye opening to see how my responses were similar and different from my peers. I was really grateful, once again, for my wonderful childhood, supportive family, and overall awesome life. We also did an exercise about how different parts of our life would change with the introduction of a foster child. For people who already had kids (which was the better part of the class) there were a few changes, but nothing as dramatic as my answers. The reality is that I have lived alone, only responsible for myself, for the last ten years. Every single thing about my life. is about to change.

But I feel totally ready.

Thinking it over

After my first home study visit and as I started my licensing trainings, I couldn't stop thinking about life would actually be like for me as a single foster parent. I've been imagining being a foster parent for years and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I would be open to accepting as placements.

But truthfully, my daydreams usually involved being married first. Having a partner in this adventure. Someone to bounce ideas off of and someone to share in the responsibilities. Also, I always imagined having a second income to help out! Not having those things ended up shaping my decisions more than I realized it would in the beginning.

Originally, I thought I would be open to any child under age 10 - preferably looking at children who had some emotional or behavioral challenges. I also thought I could handle up to three kids. The age was somewhat arbitrary - 10 seemed like a reasonable age for a parent MY age. None of my friends have kiddos quite that old - but I figured that having a 10 year old at 33 didn't seem too crazy. I was open, and even embraced the idea of having children with some emotional/behavioral issues because that is what I have worked with most often over the years. I am good at working with those types of issues and am pretty confident in my ability to handle some of the harder aspects of working with children from traumatic backgrounds. And I really wanted to be open to sibling groups - so three kids seemed do-able for someone with my daycare, camp and foster care experience.

But as I started thinking more critically about my life, my support system, the logistics of being a single parent, and in general how things would play out - well, things changed quite a bit.

First, I began researching schools and daycares in my area. I don't work far from home, but far enough that it took over an hour during some of our worst winter weather last year. So, I decided that if at all possible I'd rather that Future Foster Kiddo (FFK) should be in daycare close to my job. That way if weather is bad or some other problem comes up, at least it is easy for me to get to them quickly. Then I began to think about what I would do in cases of emergencies - not with the kiddo, but emergencies with me.

My job isn't nearly as crisis oriented as it was when I was a caseworker, but there are still occasionally days when I get stuck out in the field or at court or dealing with some other crisis that involves working past six. Heck, it could be something as simple as just being stuck traffic during rush hour. But once I started thinking about emergencies and child care, I began thinking about all the other things that could go wrong too.

What if my FFK gets hurt at school?
What if they are sick a lot?
What if I get sick?
What if I have to be hospitalized again?
What if, what if, what if?

For a few days I was pretty paralyzed with fear. (It probably didn't help that there were some health scares going on during this time too.) Then I remembered that great support system and wonderful group of friends and loved ones that I knew I could rely on in tough times.

And I realized I had to stop thinking about how I was doing this "all alone".

And while that was a very relieving thought, it also meant I had to stop thinking just about what I could handle. I had to think about my friends and family and what they could handle. I have seen SO MANY placements fall apart because the foster parents' support system couldn't handle it. So, I had to completely rethink my limits as far as placements go.

I also had to think long and hard about my limits as far as short term/long term/adoption/reunification goes. Again, I struggled with my values as a social worker - one who believes strongly in children being stable in foster care and working with parents towards reunification. And my selfishness - the part of me that wants to be a parent.

Here is what I settled on:

1. Ages - 5 and under, with some wiggle room for placing siblings together. The majority of this decision came from looking at my support system and realizing that all the people that I would ask for childcare help have very young children - as in mostly under 3 years old. I knew that they would be happy to watch a baby or a toddler. They would probably even be okay with a preschooler. But asking my friends, with their own little ones to think of, to take on an older child (with unknown life experiences) just seemed too risky. For them, for me, but mostly for any future foster kiddos. I want my friends and loved ones to embrace and love my FFKs like they would my own children. So, I feel a lot of pressure to set everyone up for success.

2. Emotional/behavioral - on a case by case basis. With the under 5 age limit, I think the likelihood of getting a call for a "spec" child is lower in general. There are some issues that I would still say "yes" to but there are others that I'd have to say no. I realize that anything could happen as a child grows up, and I would never want to have to disrupt a placement. So, I am hoping and praying that accepting younger children also will mean being able to intervene and work through issues early, before they become major problems. Only time will tell.

3. Up to two children - but with a preference of having one child placed at a time. Its actually my dream placement to have one child placed and then have another sibling at a later time. (Like in the case of an "add on" new baby.) I wasn't strict about it, and I made it clear to Tara that I wanted to be open to siblings. But realistically, I want to make sure I'm getting the swing of this single parent thing too!

4. Just to round things out - I have no racial/cultural restrictions and only a slight gender preference. I told her not to rule out either gender but did let her know that I have always wanted a little girl. So, I did ask that I not get a call for two boys - unless there was some reason they thought I'd be a perfect placement.

5. Permanency - this was the hardest one. But at the end of the day, even though I really want to be a parent, I know that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't know for sure that any children that end up with me permanently really NEEDED a forever home. I want to be part of the process, to help work towards reunification, and to build relationships with parents. I want to make sure that if FFK can not be reunified that it wasn't because his/her parents weren't given a chance. And, if I do end up adopting, I really want to have a relationship already established so that it can continue. You all know how I feel about open adoption. So, I am open to any goal - including both reunification and adoption. I basically told Tara that I want a child who will stay with me until they go home. And if they can not return home, they will stay with me forever.

I still second guess a lot of my parameters quite often. Just the other day I had to stop myself from emailed Tara and telling her that I really wanted two at a time. Sometimes it is hard to watch workers struggle to find homes for kids at my own agency and not pick up the phone to tell Tara that I will take that type of child or siblings. My heart really goes out to some of our older children, or sibling groups of three plus, etc. But I really want to ensure that any children who are placed with me are a good fit for my life, my support system, and that I never have to contribute to children being bounced around in care.

So, that is where things stand now! It is hard not to spend my days daydreaming about my Future Foster Kiddo(s). Its not all picture perfect in my head - but I am very optimistic!

Licensing Visits

So, I had my "introduction to foster care" meeting in July, I submitted my application, and then things were at a standstill for a little while. One of the things they'd asked us to do after the intro meeting was to look up the foster care training classes and pick a start date. Because of some fall scheduling issues, I really wanted to start over the summer. But the agency didn't get back to me quick enough. I tried not to be frustrated. Even if they are despereate need of foster parents, they still have things higher on their priority list. I know how it goes. So instead, I started my trainings in August.

But first, I met with my licensing worker - nothing has been more surreal than having a social worker come to MY HOUSE and ask me the questions I ask people all the time. SURREAL I tell you.

She is wonderful though - I think I'll call her Tara for blogging purposes. She is always late and her visits last FOREVER because she is chatty. I thought is was just me, but I met another foster parent she works with and she says their visits last forever too. So much my for ego!

The lateness doesn't bother me, in fact I expect it. I know foster parents complain about the timeliness (or lack there of) in child welfare. But the reality is, the job is crazy and time is just not on our side most days. So, I just know to plan on waiting a bit on home visit days.

One of the most important things I've tried to keep in mind during this whole process is figuring out how I will balance my role as a social worker and my role as a foster parent. I know how I do things and I know how I think things should be done. But I'm neither the social worker nor the supervisor in this situation. So, I'm trying very hard to reserve my judgements and my bossypants. I might really need to use them one day. So, I'm holding out for something really important.

Back to home visits.

I know that I always tell foster parents not to stress out about the cleanliness of your home. I always say we don't really care what your house looks like during home visits.

And that is all true.

Didn't stop me from cleaning my house like a madwoman before my first visit.

Or pacing around looking at everything one more time before Tara got there.

Or being super nervous for the first 30 minutes or so.

But overall, the first visit was really good. I've never been a licensing worker, so while I know the basics of how licesing works, I don't know the exact process. Plus, every agency is a little different so I was interested in hearing about how it would all work.

After going through some paperwork and her explaining the steps of licensure, we got started on my home study. This was by far the weirdest experience of the process! I've asked other people these types of questions, I've been on the other side of such "social history" interviews. But it was completely different on this end!

But luckily, Tara is very good at making it seem more like a conversation and less like an interview. So, two hours later we had talked a lot about my motivations for becoming a foster parent and a little about my life story. Overall, it was relatively painless. But we also were only about a third of the way through the questions!

Tara told me the second of my approximately three homestudy vists would take place about halfway through my licensing training. I was scheduled to start trainings a couple weeks later and I was bummed to find out that I'd have to wait. In my head I just wanted to rush through the process and get licensed the day after training ended! But she explained that I'd have one visit during training, then another within a month of completing training, then it would take about 2-3 weeks to finish writing and editing my homestudy. It would then take about a month for my license to be issued once everything was submitted to the state. So, that put me at hoping for an official licensure date of early November.

As she left, Tara asked me to think long and hard about what type of children I would be open to so we could discuss it at my next visit. I promised her I would, even though I thought I already knew the answer to that question.

Turns out they make this a process for a reason...

(To be continued!)

Other Side of the Great Divide

There has always seemed to be a great divide in blogging about foster care - the divide between foster parents and social workers. One side says they have the education, the experience, and the objectivity - so they know what is best for the child. The other side says they live with the child, they love the child, and they know them better than anyone else - so they know what is best for the child. Well, I'm about to find out which side I think is right soon enough!

I started the licensing process about eight months ago. I've wanted to be a parent all my life (at least as far back as I can remember). I have known I'd be a foster parent eventually since I was in college (long before I knew I'd be a social worker actually). So, when the events of last year made me think long and hard about HOW parenting would happen for me, I decided that now was the time to act. Even though I am still physically able to get pregnant, I decided I wasn't ready to take on that kind of single parenting yet. The idea of taking everything into my own hands, ruling out the idea of having a partner in concieving a child, just wasn't something I was prepared to do by myself. I haven't ruled it out forever, but at 33 years old I like to think I still have some time to spare. We will see if my body agrees with me and keeps fighting off any lingering cancer cells.

But I knew that holding off on becoming a parent just wasn't an option for me anymore. I've lived in two bedroom apartments for most of the last six years because I wanted to pursue foster care. But between changing jobs and a host of other reasons, I'd been making excuses for far too long. If there is one thing having cancer will teach you, it is that life is too short. The other thing it will teach you is who your friends really are.

I was lucky enough to learn that I have AWESOME friends.

So, boosted by the knowledge that I didn't want to waste anymore time and also by the certainty that I have pretty much the best support system in the world, I decided I could really do this single parenting thing.

I had the first "introductory" meeting in July. It was interesting to be "on the other side" of the table. The guy leading the meeting had a pretty relaxed approach, which normally I wouldn't mind but for a meeting with complete newbies it seemed a little too relaxed. He explained their different programs and the basics of what the process looked like. I tried very hard not to be critical, but I failed. All I could think was "this is what I'd do differently". ;)

The agency I'm licensed with is not the agency I work for - its a conflict of interest, so I also can't ever take kids that I've worked with in a professional capacity. So, I used my own knowledge of other agencies in the area and also asked around about my top choices. I asked lawyers at court, service providers that work with lots of agencies, and co-workers who have even worked at some of my picks. I finally chose my agency based on a few top factors:

1. They are a large agency, so I know that they have a high intake. This was important because I didn't want to wait around forever for a placement. Also, they are not a highly specialized agency, so I knew they would get a variety of kids in regards to age, needs, siblings, etc.

2. They are a well known agency with good standing with the state. This was important to me not only because I want my foster kiddos to have good people working with them, but also because in my state agencies who perform at higher standards get more intake. Also, I think that agencies who already have a good reputation work harder at keeping it good. (Can you tell that my worst fear as a foster parent is getting an idiot social worker? Cause it is.)

3. They are right around the corner from my house. As in literally only one turn and less than a mile. This was important because I know how often foster kids need to go to the agency. I drive by my licensing agency twice a day minimum already. So, I figured it would be easy for me to drive by and pick up kiddos from visits or appointments on my way to/from work. I also figured it would be good that the agency is close by because I know my foster kiddo's parents will know the area well enough for us to find some good meeting places if I'm able to supervise visits. In fact, there is park very close to my agency and my home that I really hope will be a fun visit spot someday.

4. They have both traditional and specialized foster care. This was important because it means they already have some idea of how to handle children with trauma and behavior issues. So, even though I don't think kiddos in my age range will be specialized, at least if something comes up they know how to deal with it. And it won't mean a change in agency if they do end up having to stepped up in the future. (I'll talk more about my age ranges and such in another post.)

There were other reasons, but those were highest on my priority list. I looked at websites and talked to people at a few others, but I only went to meetings at the one. I did the same thing with college and grad school. Once I make up my mind, it is made up for good apparently. :)

I'll get into my experience, my licesing homevisits, and my thoughts on our foster parent training in the next few posts. Feel free to ask any questions! I'm so glad to have this space to "talk things out" again. I've really missed it!